Some of Steven Wright's best:


My girlfriend looks just like Christie Brinkley,...only
shorter,...and Asian

I walked into a restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Served-Any
Time" I ordered French Toast ...during the Renaissance.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think
I've forgotten this before.

I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...  It
wasn't doing what I was doing.

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't...  My arm kept
moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. 
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I
think I might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not
right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk
through into another dimension.

I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize
that when I was younger I could see into the future.  Now I'm
getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.  Granted, it takes
longer.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish
you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on
all the beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.  She
said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought
anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.  Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information.  She said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't
find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they
were!

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in
1912...  Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done, so now I just
have to fill in the rest.

The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and
replaced it with an exact replica...  When my roommate came home I
said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and
replaced it with an exact replica."  He looked at me and said, "Do
I know you?"

I locked my keys in the car the other day.  But it was alright, I
was still inside.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so
fast?"  I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an
accelerator.  When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine.  The whole car just takes right off.  And see this thing? 
This steers it."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...  When I came back
the entire area was missing.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and
drop it?

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box. 
I was an only child...  Eventually.

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